Electronic Arts declares moral bankruptcy
REDWOOD CITY, CALIFORNIA – Gamers and stockholders reeled Wednesday when international development and publishing giant, Electronic Arts, filed for Chaper 38b moral bankruptcy. The announcement, which was delivered to journalists in the form of knife wounds on an interns back, rocked Wall Street, sending the NASDAQ composite careening to a new 6-month low.
“We know this news is hard to take, especially given our status over the years as the primary competition to the more obviously evil Activision,” said John Riccitiello, company CEO. “But long-time shareholders and customers of EA knew this was coming. Ever since we secured exclusive rights to NFL licensing nearly a decade ago, we’ve been on a slow, but steady, decline into objective moral debasement. We hope you understand.”
Riccitiello, whose eyes glowed with what can only be assumed is the primary signs of Reaper indoctrination, explained EA’s situation to reporters who survived the initial introduction of lethal neurotoxin. While some details remained murky, several key contributing factors to the business’ current moral standing became clear.
“At first we tried to fight it, but it was ultimately a slippery slope of questionable judgment and, eventually, purposeful malice. When we fucked up Dragon Age Origins 2? That was just accidental. But by the time we were outright planning on-disc DLC, our executive team had pretty much given in to full-blown Satanism.” Riccitiello took a moment to needlessly crush a small mouse to death before walking off-stage.
“I don’t think I need to explain where we were on the fence of good and evil when we invented Origin,” said Larry Probst, Chairman of Electronic Arts. “That should have been a warning sign to investors, but the cash just kept pouring in. Unfortunately, we’ve run completely out of goodwill at this time, and won’t have the cheer necessary to make a return to upright business practices.”
Probst declined all but one question from surviving journalists. “The real Mass Effect 3 ending? We’ve actually designed one that’s worse than what you’ve seen. It’s on-disc and will cost 1600 Microsoft Points. There are no plans to release this DLC for Playstation users currently.”