“There is no equivocation – virtual climate change is real,” the release said. “Increased proliferation of greenhouse gasses, in addition to the soaring popularity of fire-based weapons, is threatening glacial environments that play a key role in the electronic ecosystem.”

According to leading computer-based climate experts, the world’s Player Characters could soon see a 90% drop-off in snowboarding, snowball-based minigames, and Christmas-themed MMO events. If the worst case scenarios are to be believed, even the Lost Planet could be completely thawed as early as 20XX.

While virtual conservation advocates are lobbying to reduce the use of fire flowers, flamethrowers, heat-themed plasmids and demonic portals, many virtual denizens are actually welcoming the change. “Yeah, it’ll be sad to see all those cute penguins go homeless, but I won’t miss slippery platforms, falling icicles, and slow-inducing status conditions,” remarked one protagonist anonymously.

Since its initial announcement in tandem with Street Fighter X Tekken, Tekken X Street Fighter has seen relatively little information released. We understand fans want to learn more about the very exciting and very real Tekken X Street Fighter,” said lead producer Katsuhiro Harada. “And while we haven’t released screenshots, gameplay details, character rosters, platform announcements, development team lists, features, or advertisements, we want the fighting game community to keep on waiting for just a little bit longer.”

Harada finished the meeting by asking Namco customers, “please, please don’t cancel your preorders.”

We spoke to our inside man (or woman… sshhhhh!) over a secure ICQ line. “Basically, with always juiced, how it works is this: in order to play Xbox 720 games, even single player games, you need a constant electrical connection. If a player attempts to start a game or launch an app without being connected to the power grid, the console simply won’t respond.”

When asked about Xbox 720 users who live in areas of the United States (or even other less developed/important countries) that don’t have access to stable, always-on electrical connections, our source revealed “there’s a system built around that, too.” She clarified, “If a player loses electrical connection for any reason and the connection isn’t reestablished within 3 seconds, the 720 kicks them out of the game pronto.”

Whether “always juiced” is part of Microsoft’s DRM strategy for the Xbox 720 console or if it’s simply a quirk of the developer test units, we simply don’t know. We’ve reached out to Microsoft for comment, but have yet to receive a reply.

UPDATE: Some Xbox 360 users have written in with a rumor that the “always juiced” requirement was recently patched into existing Xbox 360 consoles. While we cannot confirm exactly when this occurred, we can confirm that it appears the Xbox 360 has been altered to require a constant electrical connection.

“We know this news is hard to take, especially given our status over the years as the primary competition to the more obviously evil Activision,” said John Riccitiello, company CEO. “But long-time shareholders and customers of EA knew this was coming. Ever since we secured exclusive rights to NFL licensing nearly a decade ago, we’ve been on a slow, but steady, decline into objective moral debasement. We hope you understand.”

Riccitiello, whose eyes glowed with what can only be assumed is the primary signs of Reaper indoctrination, explained EA’s situation to reporters who survived the initial introduction of lethal neurotoxin. While some details remained murky, several key contributing factors to the business’ current moral standing became clear.

“At first we tried to fight it, but it was ultimately a slippery slope of questionable judgment and, eventually, purposeful malice. When we fucked up Dragon Age Origins 2? That was just accidental. But by the time we were outright planning on-disc DLC, our executive team had pretty much given in to full-blown Satanism.” Riccitiello took a moment to needlessly crush a small mouse to death before walking off-stage.

“I don’t think I need to explain where we were on the fence of good and evil when we invented Origin,” said Larry Probst, Chairman of Electronic Arts. “That should have been a warning sign to investors, but the cash just kept pouring in. Unfortunately, we’ve run completely out of goodwill at this time, and won’t have the cheer necessary to make a return to upright business practices.”

Probst declined all but one question from surviving journalists. “The real Mass Effect 3 ending? We’ve actually designed one that’s worse than what you’ve seen. It’s on-disc and will cost 1600 Microsoft Points. There are no plans to release this DLC for Playstation users currently.”

“When most people think about gamers, they think about teenage boys playing Pokepets and Halo Battle Wars,” said PRC analyst Linda Chu. “But every day, millions of girls and women are also playing hardcore videogames like Farmville, Solitaire, and the FoxNews Daily Poll. They’re expanding the concept of what gaming is and proving that females can be just as leat as guys can.”

Chu, who couldn’t name any characters from Street Fighter other than Chun Li and Yoga Man, went on to explain the importance of her group’s findings. “Going forward, game developers are going to have to take the feminine point of view into consideration when making new titles. Sure, women may not be buying consoles, or handhelds, or PC graphics cards, or online gaming services, but they represent the majority of all play time. To ignore them would be a bigger mistake than missing all the powerups in the last level of Battlefield.”

“Random Gun Generator promises to have more guns than any other first person shooter, past or future,” said Pitchford from atop a throne constructed entirely of firearms. “When we released Borderlands for PC, Xbox 360, and Playstation 3, we promised players more guns than they could ever need, find, or want. From Flaming Volcanoes to Flaming Volcanoes x2 and even Flaming Volcanoes x4, the variety and depth of our gun-randomization was unparalleled.” Taking a moment to adjust his cape, Pitchford continued, “But we can do so much more.”

Publicly unveiling Random Gun Generator, Pitchford explained the title would be 100% dedicated to spawning an endless supply of randomly created weapons for players to find, customize, and use. While there were no specifics regarding the setting, genre, characters, or platforms, media in attendance were given bullet-shaped USB flash drives, each of which housed a single 400 MB Excel spreadsheet of gun modifiers. Among the nearly endless list of weapons, GameFawn writers found mention of FN P90, Super Soaker, and Noisy Cricket models, all with over 3,000 modifying parameters each.

“There will truly be no end to the guns and gun mods you can read about in Random Gun Generator. There will be sights, underbarrel slings, ammunition, grips, colors, scents, scopes, runes, triggers, and even distinct molecular compositions.” Pitchford elaborated, “We know real firearms enthusiasts will appreciate the painstaking work we’ve done to make sure a Colt .45 tastes the way a Colt .45 should taste.” When asked to describe how aspects like taste would be implemented, or if that information was indicative of development for a next-generation console, Pitchford declined to comment.

As of time of writing, Gearbox representatives have stated gameplay footage was not available because the graphics engine would be implemented “after every gun was finished.” Pressed to estimate how many total weapons would be in Random Gun Generator, they estimated “a bajillion.”

Predictably, Battlefield 3 players around the world quickly recanted their previous vitriol for Battlelog, which requires players of Electronic Art’s latest first person shooter to choose servers from a third party web browser. “At first, I was against having to use half my RAM just to find a game to join,” said longtime Battlefield enthusiast Patrick McIntyre, 28. “But when Fredrik Loving, the creator of Battlelog, came out to officially support the system, I started thinking maybe I was wrong. Maybe my previous anger at a needlessly complex interface was unjustified.”

McIntyre isn’t alone. An EA forum thread titled “PC gamers against Battlelog” that previously boycotted Battlefield 3 was today full of praises, following the public statement by Loving.

“I’m Loving this new way of looking at Battlefield 3′s obtuse train wreck of a multiplayer implementation,” said user Tyler666.

“I thought I hated using Firefox to play Battlefield through Origin, but now I understand I was wrong,” agreed commenter DisHurtsUSheph4rd. “Playing with friends has never been this easy!”

With the successful public image overhaul of Electronic Art’s server browser, the company commented its policy moving forward would be proactive. “From now on, we’re not going to wait for problems to arise before addressing them,” said an EA representative. “We’re going to look for potential problems and let the community know how it should feel about those issues before they have a chance to formulate a negative opinion.”

“While many analysts proclaimed Bomberman dead after our last edgy venture with the character, we have proven the world that fans love Bomberman no matter what the setting, from mystic forests to the political intrigue of the Ottoman Empire,” Endo said, lightly referencing the series’ failed reboot from years prior. “We knew a Bomberman game is first and foremost about bombs, which is why we made them the center of Bomberman: Revelations.”

Endo presented gameplay figures and polls that showed gamers spent an unprecedented 15 hours on the Bomberman: Revelations (as it is referenced within Hudson Soft) single player storyline. While some players taking the poll expressed confusion about the appearance of the titular protagonist, Endo stated that “the lore clearly states that Bomberman’s real name was always Ezio Auditore. It’s right there on page 12 of the Bomberman 64 manual.”

In Bomberman: Revelations, players take the role of “Ezio,” a cute cartoon character obsessed with revenge and animated trees. Following a trail of rainbows to what is now Turkey, he must find, craft, and throw hundreds upon hundreds of bombs to solve the mystery of the hidden keys.

“While the change in presentation may have misled some players into believing this Bomberman game would be a stealth title, nothing could be farther from the truth. We put loud, powerful explosives all over the game world to ensure players could enjoy non-stop bombing fun, just like in the past. We even allowed enemies to drop additional bomb crafting materials, ensuring “Ezio” would never have to rely on camouflage, subtlety, or melee combat to achieve his goal. It’s all up to the player to make and choose the bombs that suit him or her best!”

While the presentation continued to applause and optimistic Q1 forecasts for Hudson, things behind closed doors were less cheery. At this time, GameFawn has received tips that Hudson may be pursuing legal action against French developing giant Ubisoft, who Hudson claims has infringed on its copyrights with its latest release. Ubisoft has denied these allegations, though it has yet to sufficiently prove how the gameplay of Assassin’s Creed: Revelations substantially differs from the latest release in the Bomberman series.

Earlier this week, rumors that longtime producer Shigeru Miyamoto would be stepping down rocked the gaming blogosphere. Miyamoto, who is responsible for beloved Nintendo creations such as Super Mario Bros, Rapid Nomenclature Paradox Revolution, and Pokemon, was considered wholly irreplaceable. Shares of Nintendo stock dropped markedly following a turbulent day on the Nikkei index. But with Nintendo’s clarification that Shiggy Moto 2 will contain all the eccentricity, laughter, and awkward voice acting of the previous iteration, shares rose to an all-time high, indicating investor confidence that the sequel will perform well in traditional Nintendo markets.

“When I heard Miyamoto was retiring, I didn’t know what to feel. I didn’t know if I could feel emotions anymore. Especially not joy,” said Donald Rumsfeld, former US Secretary of Defense. “Now that Shigeru Miyamoto 2 is on the horizon, I think I can go on believing in magic again. I have my preorder ready and everything.”

Nintendo fans worldwide echoed Rumsfeld’s sentiment as new web sites, YouTube tributes, and speculation about the features of Miyamoto 2 ran rampant. While Nintendo has yet to reveal how Shiggy Moto 2 will carry on the legacy of the popular first title, sources close to president Satoru Iwata indicate that Miyamoto 2 will inherit the graphics and physics engine that were so well-received in the first.

“Let’s face it: while Miyamoto 1 was really fun, it was last gen technology,” commented a disappointed Joystiq writer JC Fletcher in an interview followup. “A Miyamoto 2 release in Q3 or Q4 of 2012 really merits something more impressive. Dynamic lighting, ragdoll physics, or believable lip-syncing are the bare minimum for the next generation of gaming.”

When asked directly for comment on the prospects for his replacement by GameFawn staff, Shigeru Miyamoto transformed into a comet and left Earth’s orbit, only to be seen again when the night sky was illuminated with the hopes of good children everywhere.

“You don’t understand just how bad these pub scrubs were,” said Werner during one of his frequent breaks waiting to respawn after attempting to kill an enemy Pyro with a melee weapon. “It’s like they have no sense of fucking strategy whatsoever. They’re just moving between the objectives and taking them sequentially. It’s painfully obvious how terrible they are.”

With over 400 hours logged in Team Fortress 2 and fewer than 3% of the game’s achievements unlocked, Werner is, by all accounts, a veteran of the popular first person shooter. For that reason, it was even harder for the long-time player to understand how his team could lose, even though he was leveraging his extensive skills to push the group to victory.

“It just doesn’t add up. I’m doing everything I can, but these gaywads always ruin everything,” he commented while scanning for targets through his rifle’s scope. “I mean, look. I’ve been guarding the final point since the match started, and nobody has even tried to help me. They all ran up to the first control point like fucking traitors. Oh, look, there’s another sniper. Finally.”

Shortly thereafter, Werner’s character was backstabbed by an enemy spy disguised as “xXScott2HottXx.”

Image courtesy of Graur Codrin.